Divorce DEMANDS every ounce of your best self.
It demands clear thoughts on decisions impacting your children. It demands financial decisions while your heart is breaking. It demands that you show up for your children, your job, your life — while quietly grieving the fairy tale you thought was your life. It demands strategy at the exact moment you feel the most unsteady.
And somewhere in the middle of all of that demanding — you slip to the bottom of your own list.
I want to talk about that. Because the woman who comes out the other side of this process is being shaped right now, in how you treat yourself today.
What stress does to your body is not separate from your case.
The chronic stress of divorce doesn’t stay in your head. It moves into your immune system, your heart, your sleep, your ability to think clearly. It affects how you remember things, how you process information, how you make decisions.
I know this firsthand. After my own custody litigation, I came out the other side with an autoimmune disease. And I hear this again and again — people developing autoimmune conditions during or shortly after their divorce. It is not surprising. Because when you are in survival mode, self-care is always the first thing to go.
This isn’t to scare you. It’s meant to make the case that taking care of yourself during this process isn’t a luxury — it’s strategy. Your ability to show up clearly, to protect your interests, to make sound long-term decisions for yourself and your family depends on it.
Monitor your self-talk.
Divorce has a way of turning up the volume on your inner critic. You replay the moments — would have, could have, should have. Shame shows up. So does the quiet, destructive belief that you somehow failed.
Here’s what I want you to hear: you didn’t fail. A marriage ended. Those are not the same thing. And even if it did fail — some failures are the best thing that ever happened to us. A bad marriage that ends is a good failure. A job you hate that you get fired from is a good failure. Many of our failures are the very bridges to our next best life.
The grief is real. The anger is real. But the story that you are at fault, that you did something wrong — that story needs to be challenged every time it surfaces. Surround yourself with people who reflect back who you actually are, not who this process has temporarily made you feel like. Seek out the ones who are radically cheering for you. And if that community is thin right now, or not showing up the way you need, reach out to a life coach or a licensed therapist. As the Beatles remind us,” we all get by with a little help from our friends.” There is no greater show of strength than knowing when — and how — to ask for help.
Move your body. Even when — and especially when — you don’t want to.
Now, this doesn’t mean running a marathon. It means a walk in nature, forest bathing, rhythmic breathing, or simply sitting in a dimly lit room and focusing on your inhale and exhale. It may also mean going to the gym and building muscle — because strength, in every form, is something you are going to need.
Movement sends powerful messaging to your nervous system. And that message is this: you are still here, still present, and still taking care of your incredible self.
Find an accountability partner. That’s wisdom.
Choose the people around you with intention.
This includes your legal team.
The attorney you work with during this time will either add to your stress or help absorb it. You deserve someone who truly sees you — not a talking bot, but a real human connection. Someone who can hold both the complexity of your case and the weight of what you’re carrying.
At Poppe & Associates, that’s the only way I know how to work. You are not a file. You are a person in the middle of one of the most challenging chapters of your life — and you not only deserve, but you absolutely should have, counsel that meets you there.
Contact my office when you are ready.
Let me be your brave.