A Personal Note
There are moments in history when the law catches up with justice. New York’s Marriage Equality Act, passed on June 24, 2011, was one of those rare, powerful shifts. It gave same-sex couples equal choice—both to enter and to exit relationships with the full recognition of the law.
Navigating the deeply personal terrain of relational change is never easy. Every person deserves a strategy that protects feeling of security and the basic human right to have a safe place to live.
Let’s talk briefly about one case study on exclusive occupancy.
When two people share a home and the relationship begins to unravel, the question arises: Who stays, and who leaves?
In one of my firm’s earlier LGBTQ+ matters, my client, **Jordan, took a stand. As the higher-earning partner in the relationship, Jordan made it clear, after an embarrassing dinner party Jordan had hosted and his husband decided to “crash” the party: “This drama laden fighting is not the precedent I want to set for my community.” Now retired, Judge Laura Drager responded: “Honestly, You’re not the first.”
Fifteen days later, my team secured exclusive occupancy of the marital residence.
What does exclusive occupancy mean?
Under New York law, you can’t simply change the locks or force your partner out—no matter how tense the atmosphere becomes. Exclusive occupancy is a legal designation that grants one person the right to live in the shared home alone, during or after a separation.
In New York, judges typically consider two paths:
- Documented domestic strife (including emotional or physical harm), or
- Evidence that one partner has secured or can secure alternate housing.
This process is sensitive. It’s also strategic.
Many couples—especially in a high-cost city like New York—continue cohabitating for months or even years while they work out the terms of their separation.
So, how do you navigate this with grace and strength? Here are four key moves:
- Choose counsel who understands your unique dynamic.
Same-sex partnerships are not just “like” traditional ones—they are their own category, with nuances, power dynamics, and legal layers that demand fluency. Make sure your advocate has experience with these complexities. - Avoid conflict—especially in shared spaces.
Tension is often inevitable. But escalation is not. In matters of exclusive occupancy, even the appearance of volatility can influence outcomes. Document interactions. Stay grounded. Choose your peace over your pride. - Know that compromise is part of the strategy.
Settlement is not about winning—it’s about resolution. It’s about moving forward. Sometimes that means letting go of a demand in favor of a faster or more peaceful outcome. - If you hold financial leverage, use it wisely.
The “monied” spouse often has the ability to offer short-term housing support to expedite the move-out process. Think of this not as a loss, but as an investment in your future peace and autonomy.
Leveraging the above four (4) tenets of wisdom can help you resolve the dilemma of “Who stays and Who leaves?”